I’m a pretty independent person. Only child, pretty disconnected from my extended family. I keep a tight circle, not intentionally just seems to work that way. I am a 2x divorcee. But I can honestly say that I am tired of doing some shit by myself.
I just left the ER for the umphteen time (kidney stones this time) and realized I am tired of having to be my own advocate with the doctors. My frustration with them often reduces me to tears. They can be bullied and when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired it is easy to relent to the constant pressure they put on you.
I watch the elderly couples that come in, many with their kids. The well spouse and/or child do most of the talking, allowing the patient who is pain to rest. They know their history and can dictate to the nurse, resident, and attending doctor (in that order.) You might catch one stroking the hair or the patient or holding their hand.
I didn’t have that in my marriage (my ex stayed home with the kids, and I later found out texted his mistresses.)
I am a good medical historian and can recite my 3 decade medical story. But when in pain and not feeling heard, I feel really lonely in the room I waited hours to get into.
There is no significant other and often I feel there never will be because of my baggage (being chronically ill is one big relationship trunk), I don’t feel it being a great 1st date selling point.
I have walked this path the Universe has for me and this isn’t a woe is me post. It just would be comforting in times like this to have a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold or kiss on my forehead. It would be great to have someone stand up and tell the doctors ‘no you cannot just dismiss her, dismiss her pain just because the answer isn’t in your medical app.’ I know I could and would do that for someone who would let me in. But I’ve learned not everyone has the same heart as me.
Don’t take this as a ‘woe is me’ diatribe, but rather just a glimpse into my heart.
If I tagged you, it’s because you have expressed love and concern for my health and I just want to share why my heart is full tonight. I’m still rocking out with 2019. I still feel this will be a transformative year for me.
.
.
.
.
There are people who have made it their #intention (or perhaps they did it unintentionally) to make me feel I am #TeamTooMuch.
For as long I can remember, my everything was #toomuch. No matter how I tried to tone it down, no matter how much my confidence was a carefully sculpted mask. It was a careful tightrope walk, be ‘this’ (#confidence) but not #toomuch, and that (polar opposite ‘you ain’t all THAT’). I have been for so long trying to #fitintoabox, an assigned value or worth. All symptoms of not defining yourself and allowing other people to do it. I find myself at the precipice of a new #journey, only now learning how much I really am and that #God created me that way and no person has the right to assign or demean my worth because it doesn’t #reconcile with their own #insecurities. I am looking for those people who make me a better person and who I do the same for. For so long, I have felt #unlovable and #disposable. Now, I strive to BE.
I wish more than anything my mother understood me and had my back. Not, ‘I have the money to get you out of this’, or ‘I bought you that’. But when I go to war against something or someone I don’t want to feel like I am on the battlefield alone. I am my own team, not by choice but definitely by circumstance.
I was an only child, but I was my grandma’s baby. She definitely favored me though she did so much for so many ungrateful people. But I digress. My grandmother died in 2013 after a 19 year fight with alzheimers. So, the one person who in knew had my back and would ask questions later, I never had by my my side my entire adulthood.
My mother… there is very little we agree on. Our ideologies about everything is different. If I sound the alarm, she must dissect the situation, give me her take on why it’s not an emergency. I go to war alone or depend on my soul family.
Maybe it’s because I just wasn’t what she wanted as a daughter. She jokes that my dad wanted me and she wanted to go Jamaica (which stabs me in my heart when she says it.) She did everything after the fact, bought everything, bailed me out of everything. But, I always wanted her with me. I think she did all those things out of obligation of being the parent she felt she wanted to be and never realizing I needed different things. I didn’t need to be spoiled, I needed her to choose me. Even in the midst of war, take my side, choose me.
Was this this the path that lead me to my narcissistic husband? I’ll never know.
As an INFP, this is such a familiar place.
.
.
There are times when we get so used to being ourselves in a certain way that we can be taken aback when weâre not ourselves in that certain way. It can dumbfound us, find us dumb, unable to explain to ourselves or others cohesively what is going on with us.
Weâre us but not us, not our usual selves yet still our usual selves. Maybe for a moment or for a while longer than that, perhaps even for an ever which we then get used to as being who we are on a regular basis⌠and then the whole rigmarole may happen again and we change without actually changing who we are, itâs just something, a je ne sais quoi which is different in the way that we are.
Thatâs me right now.
My thinking switched itself off the other day, a fuse blew due to overuse, andâŚ
View original post 527 more words
“There is a powerful lesson to be learned here by us. Though we are born with an inborn ability to be unconditionally loving, often we are born to parents whose life experiences have taught them to become hard, and to lose that ability to experience and give unconditional love. Watching the deer and her babies is a reminder to honour and respect the child-like innocence within your self and go about your life with gentleness and an open heart. You should also stand strong on your path, in your beliefs, and not allow yourself to get distracted by outside influences.
Deer has entered your life to help you walk the path of love with full consciousness and awareness, to know that love sometimes requires caring and protection, not only in how we love others, but also in how we love ourselves.”
http://www.shamanicjourney.com/deer-power-animal-symbol-of-gentleness-unconditional-love-and-kindness
So until I was in my late 20’s I wore the same sized clothes I did in 6th grade. I was 106 lbs then. I hated it! My body was under constant ridicule from men, especially as I was constantly reminded that men liked women “with meat on their bones”. I had chicken legs, no ass and a B cup. I am sure my fake until you make which is what attracted my beaus.
Fast forward 15 years and 50lbs later. I still nitpick with my body. I don’t like the rolls in back, my arms look huge and these damn saddle bags! But, I am slowly learning that my self-esteem is one of the things sacrificed during my now defunct marriage. Fixing my perspective has required a ton of emotional and spiritual work. I realize that I have blockages in my sacral and root chakras. I have discovered I am s demisexual and mainly attracted to people I have deep connection with, that I can give.
Much of my “inner ‘G’ work is getting the ruminating thoughts out of my head. Those small criticism and manipulations of my exes, the rejection of my crushes and my own ‘stinking thinking ‘. It imperative that I do mental exercises, meditate, and dp that inner work in order to see the Goddess that really am.
Self-love is a deficiency not fixed with a supplement pill. But, it really the foundation for any love you have, for your ability to manifest or edit your life to the dream life or even to LIVE insteady of simply exist. The Universe housed you in that specific body for a reason. Work on on that ‘inner-G‘ so that you enjoy yourself and subsequently your life.
Melting into divine desire –
But I donât want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness, I want sin. Aldous Huxley
Somewhere along the line, I learned the idea that desire was a bad thing. As a child I was told I was being selfish and greedy to express my desire for things. âYouâll get what youâre given. Like it or lump itâ was the general philosophy.
Like Oliver Twist asking for some extra gruel, some authorative voice boomed at my requests âMore? Who dares to ask for more?â
I do. I dare. Having played the cards of meekness, detachment and acceptance for many years â and although all these qualities have their place â I realise that this desire is what fuels me. Desire, passion, yearning have been instrumental in my evolution. They stretch me beyond my safe zone.
The fear that was instilled in me is that desire and passion makes us reckless, makes us take risks. Yes, it does. And thatâs exactly its power.
I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become. Carl Jung
More at:
How to Forgive Yourself
Learning to forgive yourself can be extremely challenging at first.
You may have been stuck in blaming yourself for so long that you donât know any different. This is normal and what I have observed from members in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is that when they apply this technique I am about to show you (combined with the Quanta Freedom Healing therapy in NARP) they are able to shift mountains of self-blame and begin moving forward into forgiveness almost instantly. (Even the ones that seemed the most stuck initially).
So letâs get started.
https//blog.melanietoniaevans.com/forgiving-yourself-for-being-hooked-and-tricked-by-the-narcissist/
Everyday, I fight the idea that I knew better. I can’t reconcile in my head why I chose the path that I chose. Even with those who come behind me and tell me that my story is empowering or that my story being told helps them from being silent. I just can’t understand why I had to choose him! Why did I choose to be subservient, to be eclipsed, to be less than. My biggest and hardest obstacle to self love is the self-limiting beliefs that I knew better, that I was better, and that I should have chose better. If this were true I would have avoided over a decade a systematic emotional abuse. If somehow I can come to understand, to give myself the compassion that I give others – I will understand why I chose and allowed all that I did. Only then it seems I will be able to forgive myself and completely love myself. Why cannot I let myself off the hook?
Authentically Yours, Danielle 