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Authentically Yours, Danielle

#MetamorphMe2017

Looking over the cliff

This morning I read a well-intentioned fictional account of a ‘what if’ account of a suicide and the ripple effects. I will post both the narrative and my response. 

The narrative:

SUICIDE: YOU KILLED MORE THAN YOURSELF. Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just affect you. They affect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you. Copy and paste this as your status to show people there are people out there that care.let’s see who actually read all of it.

For anyone that feels this way, we are trying to demonstrate that someone’s always listening.

#SuicideAwareness

My response

People who are suicidal are overcome by emotional pain and cannot rationalize something like this. The feeling of empathy for those who love them is often replaced by the feeling of being burdensome. You see, pain whether physical or emotional takes over your rational thought. Your mind then switches gears from the basic survival instinct to just wanting to eliminate the source of the pain. This source you have internalized by now and the two identities  (yourself and the pain) have blurred into one. In your mind that boyfriend will be your last love, your best friend is tired of your sob stories, your parents marriage is on the verge of divorce and the financial and daily burden of one less child might help, the mean girls have just been objectified to be a cruel society. You are probably dealing with clinical depression and serotonin imbalance (what came first the chicken or the egg) and maybe anxiety. This type of piece guilts suicidal people. Adding guilt doesn’t help. I hope you understand; but you quite possibly may never unless you yourself looked over that cliff. 

Signed,

Danielle Moore 

Suicide Survivor

If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal or just needs someone to talk to, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. To learn more about the warning signs of suicide, head here.

Show up

When all in life seems overwhelming

2 years later, I am rebuilding my life. Those people mentioned in post left a legacy of loss. But, I work hard each day to create a new legacy. Even if working hard only produces that I show up to life that day. There have been days I missed those I loved despite the hurt they caused. There have been days I wish our paths never crossed. There have definitely been days where I just wanted to QUIT – figuratively and literally. No money, barely having the essentials, not able to help anyone else better yet myself or my kids. But, in my own personal learning trajectory I have learned to just show up. 

Things are a little more stable these days. I started my position as a Marketing Associate for Legal Shield (thank you angel, Henry Barefield). I started Aya’s Lyrics. My kids still are teens (+ a 20 year old). All those things give me hope.  But there are still days when I want to quit, cannot see my future for my circumstances and truly wonder if this life? Is this all? For those days, I just show up. Sometimes disheveled with tears flowing. But I am here. Even if I don’t remember why, even when the output I get doesn’t match the heart and effort I put in. Some days all I can do is show up. And I happen to think those days are my bravest.

Students Loans

Social Security and Unpaid Student Loans: What the Feds Won’t Tell You

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jasondelisle/2014/09/11/social-security-and-unpaid-student-loans-what-the-feds-wont-tell-you/#21aca8105c89

January in #MetamorphMe will be focusing a lot on my finances. Student loans is one.

I am disabled, separated and my credit score is in the toilet. So, I have gotten a referral from the Chicago Bar Association. Hopefully, I can hit his office first thing after the new year.

Experiences over things: Changing Christmas tradition

My Christmas morning looks vastly different than it did years ago. From childhood through my young adult years,  I’d wake up at my parents’ house anticipating this day. After exchanging…

Source: Experiences over things: Changing Christmas tradition

#MetamorphMe 

Holy Grail Diagnosis for me?


Fatigue, Gerd, itchy skin, brain Fog, are you experiencing Autoimmune Disease symptoms? – Three Village, NY Patch

http://patch.com/new-york/threevillage/fatigue-gerd-itchy-skin-brain-fog-are-you-experiencing-autoimmune-disease-symptoms

I emailed the author requesting info. Here is my email

For years I have suffered from chronic syncope and chronic fatigue, since around the age of 15. I now have exhibited Gerd, a low blood count, inflammation, itchiness, and 2 unexplained anaphylaxis episodes. I feel I’m a great fit for POTS or neurocardiogenic syncope which I know is being explored as autoimmune diseases. Last week my LDH and another blood test was elevated and my general physician has ordered a Ana test. She explained that my blood was hemolyzed early which could account for chronic anemia that I’ve suffered. My blood count continues to dip over the past 4 years. Any information you can shoot my way would be greatly appreciated. It’s been a long 23 years of idiopathic symptoms. 

#AuthenticallyYours ,  Danielle 

Healing the Wounded Child

This describes me so well.

Silver Girl

As the wounded child heals, he learns to accept all people – even those whose behavior was evil towards him. He develops a greater understanding of others and for why they behave the way they do. This sets him free to forgive and to stop judging and to stop fixing.

Wisdom through suffering, acceptance, compassion and forgiveness heals the wounded child and from their own wisdom and experiences they can then go on to assist in the healing of other wounded children.

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Wisdom From My Tribe Of Warrior Women

There is nothing like being a part of a tribe of women whether you are bonded by blood or by choice. It is one of the most revealing, awe-inspiring, self reflecting, and inspirational relationships…

Source: Wisdom From My Tribe Of Warrior Women

Vision Board Party: Sip & Clip

$15 Clip & Sip (BYOB optional), House Music Vision Board Party

https://www.eventzilla.net/web/upcoming?clientid=2135703193

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